… did you, ever ?

Did you ever felt the void filling your chest,
the tears choking your throat,
the anger’s fire burning your cheeks and ears ?

Did you ever felt the loneliness covering you, your heart, your bones,
or the cloud in your mind delaying your thoughts ?

Did you ever felt … Did you, ever ?

(my) Feelings, Naked

What is wrong with me ?

Every person that I knew failed me,

everyone of them showed me that friendship is an ilusion,

or,

is something wrong with me ?

Is so difficult to find peace, to be happy ?

Everyone feels alone,

or is just me ?

Is there anyone not thinking only for himself/herself ?

Or, is something wrong with me ?

I feel I’m losing the game

I know sadness, and anger is ON

I’m afraid of what I can become

I can’t ask for help,

I can’t believe in anyone,

every person I know teach me that trust is an ilusion

and, I’m a dreamer, a fool

Why is so difficult to find peace ? Why is so difficult to find happiness ?

Is too much to ask for love, acceptance, a friend, a brother, a family,

someone in who I can trust ?

Negative thoughts cloud my mind

Anger is ON

I know sadness

Evil ghosts surrounds me

… is there a place where I belong ?

Night (Rosh HaShana)

The streets are empty

Darkness and the new year

Night, I am happy

(note : So, today was the jew’s new year, we are starting the year 5775, I’m at work, the hour : 03:20 AM, outside I can see the darkness, the night, I love the night, at this hour there is nobody in the streets, I can hear the silence, I’m at peace)

Friends

A beer is a good friend,
An animal is a good friend,
A dog, or a cat that you adopt, alone, in your house,
But people
People are only interested in what you have
And they are not real friends
I mean, not everyone, but most
I feel more appreciated by my cat
Than from some of my “friends”,
My so called friends
My fucked-up friends
Those friends that leave you alone in the middle of the street
And don’t care how you come back home
Those so-called-friends.
A dog will stay at your side
A cat too
A beer
An icy cold beer is a good friend in a sticky-hot-summer-day
But people will smile at you, give you a hug, and then, let you to rot
They will give their back on you when you most need them
Friends Friends Friends
I want to believe in real friendship
But I’m starting to loose my faith
(on them)

Anger

This fire consumes me,
This poisonous fire.
All that I want
Is for the world to burn,
And for you to hear my heart
Pounding / Burning
From inside the flames.

14/11/13 (6th Log)

Sad doom music fills my ears. I was ok, with a good mood, but then something happened, something that even I wasn’t expecting. No matter what, but it involves a girl. Well, she works in the bookshop next to my work, we talked some times, but, not too much. I was thinking of inviting her for a cup of coffee, or a beer (I prefer a beer, yes), but then, she entered to my building with her boyfriend. I wasn’t aware that this fact will make me sad, but, it felt like a bullet through my chest. The thing is, I’m not sad ’cause she has a boyfriend, I’m sad because it’s fucking-long-5-years for me to be alone. Yes, that’s right that I choose to be alone, but, sometimes, loneliness feels too cold. I need to explain something about myself : I feel too much, everything. If it’s love, I fall in love completely. If it’s hate, well, just get your ass out of my way. The thing is, love hurts me. I’m searching for it, not for sex … Bah, I’m waiting for love to come to me. I don’t know how to search for it, even not where to start. I don’t know how to find it. It is 5 long years without a lover, with all the things, good and bad that a lover implies. And I miss it, the warm words of a woman to my ears, the feeling of being in love, the feeling of happiness, of sharing my life with a girl. But loneliness is a kind of force, my kind of force. I don’t want to be hurt again, that is why I choose to walk alone.

Good night, folks, thank you for reading.