05/11/13 (5th log)

I’m tired. I slept only 2 hours in the morning, and I was all day awake, at the airport, waiting, with my mom, for my aunt to arrive. She arrived at 6:45 PM, and we came back to the house at 8:30 PM. She will go to sleep in a while. Me, I need to stay all night awake, I’m at work from 11 PM to 7 AM. I don’t know how I will do it. My eyes are closing and I feel devastated. I need some decent sleep.

Being at the airport was amazing, I miss to fly. I want to fly to someplace, just fly, I did like to live in an airplane, I did never get tired of the sensation of movement.
My last fly was to Argentina, I spent 3 month there, I saw my family, my brother and sister (step brothers). It was last year, 2012. I arrived in Argentina at 7/3 and came back to Israel at 7/6. I think I will not come back to Argentina in a looong time. Nothing remains there to me.

I want to find some love. Not only sex. I want some romance in my life. I had my last gf 5 years ago, her name was Efry, we went together for 6 month, then she moved for another 6 month to Italy, and when she came back, every one of us had his own life. After her I was with some whores, I paid for sex, but stopped doing that because it feel empty. Even when I care a lot about sex and physical contact, sex and physical contact feels empty without love, or at last, without some feeling. It’s just masturbation. The main thing, is that there ain’t too much places to search for a love. I work alone, I get out with the same bunch of people all time, I don’t socialize too much, actually, I’m pretty null at socializing, and I don’t think I’ll find my next true love in a pub full of drunk people, and, actually, me being drunk too. When I was younger, let’s say, before Efry, I was never alone, every time I had some girl. Anyway, I feel comfortable in my loneliness, it isn’t too bad, at least when you get accustomed to that.

Shit, I feel devastated, really, really tired. I don’t know how I’ll get to 7 AM awake …

Well, thanks for reading

See you around, folks

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05/11/13 (4th log)

It sucks !!!  I worked all night, came back to my house at 7:30 AM, went to sleep at 8 AM, could get asleep at 10 AM, and now, being 12:15 AM I’m fully awake. Yes, it sucks !!! Too much noise from the street, they are making constructions just-next-to-my-house. And the noise, the noise is unbearable. More sad, tonight I work again. Even more sad (but with a bit of happiness), my aunt is coming to Israel. She is arriving in another 5 or 6 hours, so I need to go with my mom to wait for her at the airport. This isn’t a bad thing, it is more than 1 year that I don’t see my aunt, and the thing that she is coming, it’s something good. Buuut, it could be even better if I could sleep properly, or, at last, not work at night.

Anyway, remember yesterday that I wrote that I was searching for a girl in the net, and that she actually answers me … well, forget about that, she stopped answer. Yeah, simply like that. I’m a bit of desperate for some love ? Can it be ? Oh, God … it sucks … too.

Ok, I’ll go to download all the Spawn comics and continue reading Cable and American Vampire. Actually, I think I’ll watch another episode of Star Trek : The Next Generation (first season), and another Doctor Who (first season).

Well, that’s all for now.

See you around, folks.

04/11/13 (3rd log)

I’m out of words, my poetry don’t want to ride trough my soul, I’m struggling to write something, I’m feeling desperate, words are an important part of my life. It seems like I need to suffer to write poetry, and my life is going ok right now. Ok if you don’t take on count that I’m financially broken, I mean, I work my ass off but I don’t do much money, and the money that I do, well, it goes with the rent, the expenses, the debts, and at last it seems like I work for nothing. Fucking situation, I want to be rich. I want to swim in a pool of gold. Instead, my stomach is empty … Well, is not like that, my mother buy food for me. Thank you mom. If not, I did be starving. But come on, not everything in life is money, or food, or … Well … Who I want to lie ? I did be happy if I was a millionaire, a billionaire, like Bruce Wayne, Batman included.

Like always I’m at work. It is the only place where I can be with myself. I’m searching for a girl in the net. I started to talk with someone, and she seems kind of interesting. A big plus is that she actually answer me.
I don’t know what to tell to women, how I get to know them ? What can I tell them ? Ufff, I feel such a loser sometimes … Most-of-times. But it’s ok, you get accustomed to that.

I’m developing more and more my geeky side. I read lot of comics. I download them and read them in my iPad. Sorry, comic industry, for not give my money to you, God will compensate you. I love geeky series like Star Trek, Doctor Who, Firefly, and movies like Star Wars. I’m a big fan of The Big Bang Theory, God, I love those guys, it is like me and my friends. I love games, too, specially table games, but most of the time I have nobody to play with. I just started to play Talisman in my iPad, and it’s great !!! I’m totally into it.

I have a new habit, a bad one, actually, I chew the interior of my upper lip. I want to stop doing it, but I can’t. I need a lot of concentration to not do it, and when I don’t concentrate, I come back to do it. Maybe I need to go to the shrink ?
I need to go to the shrink because I don’t know how to buy, too. I mean, I buy things, and then I repent of buying it. Or I buy clothes that are big for me, or I feel that everyone stares at me … I think I’m kind of paranoid …

… Someone is calling to the door. I think it will be all for now.

See you around folks.

29/10/13 (2nd log entry)

I’m tired, want to sleep. I can’t, I’m at work. I work like a security clerk. It’s not so bad. I guard a building. I work mostly at night. I’m alone. I want to sleep. The lights went off, half of the building is in darkness and I don’t know how to put the lights on. Meanwhile I hear an internet blues radio and read all the wordpress posts that I couldn’t read those past days. Mhhmmm, I want to sleep, I feel the tiredness in my eyes.

… Need to wait till 7 AM.

Mhhmmm …

29/10/13 (1st log entry)

I’m sad. I’m sad for a stupid reason : one of the radio shows that I hear, well, today was the last show. The show was called “The Black Rider”, or in Hebrew Ha’Parash Ha’Shajor. It was a very good show, 2 hours of rock, indie, post-punk, punk, alternative, lots of new bands, and the host was really charismatic. This simple and at least so ahead of me reason made me sad, I’ll miss that show.
Another thing that made me sad was the dead of Lou Reed. He was such an excellent artist, musician. R.I.P. Lou Reed, thank you for the lot of music you gave us.

But not everything is sadness. I even can say that I’m kind of happy. There are some reasons that make me happy. One of them (and I think the most important) is that in less than a month I’ll start to study. I’ll study photography. It was one of my dreams. It’s 2 years of study. Curious thing is that past year, at this time, I was hating my life, I could see no future for me, and I felt my soul ripped to pieces, like, if I was standing with the last piece of my soul. I needed a change, if not, I thought, I did become insane. And the change came. In April of this year I left my work and started to search for a new one. The work that I had, it was a slave’s work, I felt like a whore, so denigrated. The work that I have now, it’s not the best-work-in-the-world, but is better.

I’m still with minus in the bank, and I don’t know how to get out of it, but, I have faith that things will get better.

Another important thing to say is that it’s like 2 months that I’m sober. Is not that I’m an alcoholic or something, but, I was trying to destroy myself, I started to drink too much and I felt like I was losing control. Well, yesterday I went to drink with a friend and I drink only 2 beers. I felt amazing !!! I could take control of myself again and didn’t made the clown.

Right now I’m at work, alone, hearing an internet blues radio. I have nothing to do, just wait to 7 AM to come and go home to sleep. I love to sleep. I love the feeling of my body sleeping. I love to dream. But, one thing I miss, is to sleep with someone. It’s a long time that I haven’t a girl and, well, I’m getting tired of being alone.

Well, people, that’s all for now, I’ll go to read some comic, and then to watch Star Trek. See you around.