The Funeral

It happened so fast,
One day you was drinking wine,
The next day you was in the hospital,
And from there straight to the earth,
Your tomb was open, waiting for you.
I saw you there
You was wearing a three piece suit
Your eyes closed
Your soul so far away.
While everyone was crying
I was only thinking about
How I did like to cum inside the ass of your niece
That wasn’t part of my family
But of your woman.
I didn’t really cared if you was alive or death
You died for me when I was 2 years old
A child looking at his father’s back and not understanding
Where is he going, why he will not come back.
You phoned me from time to time
And the days I was lucky you came to visit,
We did go to buy some comics, take a ride in the old and dusty car, and buy some toys.
The days I wasn’t lucky
You simply did not come.
I waited for you and then my mother used to take me to the cinema,
I get accustomed to cry in silence, in dark corners,
And the sadness give way to anger.
Lot of years I spent hating you,
But now, I can somehow understand you.
Oh, dad, you didn’t knew how to be a father,
All that you knew was to be a plumber (and even not a good one …)
A drunk
And to smoke marihuana in your own arcade store with the boys of the neighborhood.
It was all so fast
One day you was winning me at chess
The next day Death had reclaimed your life.

If only I could …

If only I could break into your heart
Like I break into houses
And steal my soul
From your collection
Liberate the feelings that chain me and be free …

… If only my love wasn’t a road without end
To the suicidal ocean of fire …

… Oh, I don’t think you could love me
Or that I allow you to love me,

I’m only playing a theatrical script
In the labyrinth of roses.

21/12/2013 (7th log)

My life had changed. From being depressed and without a future, now I can see the glimpse of a future, away, but, I can see it at last.
I started study a month ago. I’m study photography, and, I love it. I’m learning lot of things. I acquired a camera, Canon EOS 600 D, a good camera, and I’m using it the most that I can.
I changed my days of work, now I work from Tuesday to Saturday, Sunday and Monday I study. I work 3 times a week at night and other 2 times at nun, from 15 to 23.
But, I haven’t time for nothing. It is like 1 month that I don’t see my friends, and I haven’t a single day to rest. I work alone, and when I don’t work I usually sleep. The only time that I have to socialize is in the school. I’m making new friends, but I miss my old ones.
I continue alone, without a girlfriend and don’t knowing how to search for it. Call me anti-social, or mysantrope (oh, hell, I don’t know how to write this word ...), but I feel more secure being alone. Bukowski wrote something that is just the way I feel : “I don’t hate people, I just feel better when they are not around” … God, I love this man, the old Buk, I wish I had a grandfather like him, but my two grandfathers are dead, one of them died before I get born, and the other, I haven’t too much contact with him (let’s say that I’m, like, the bastard son of that part of the family). Well, I don’t consider them like my family. Actually, I don’t really have a family, only my mother. I have one step-sister and one step-brother, but they live in Argentina, with their mother. My father is dead. He died when I was 18, 12 years ago. I couldn’t cry in his funeral. Instead, I was thinking about the ass of that girl from the other family. I know, I wasn’t a good son, but he wasn’t a good father, too, he didn’t knew how to be a father. But it’s ok, I’m not angry with him, maybe a bit sad that I can’t know him now. I think that now, we could talk from man to man. When he was alive I was a child, and my mind was in other things, plus that I was very insecure and shy, and I was angry with him … Lot of time I was angry, but I let the anger go. I think I can understand him now, not completely, but … I really want to hear his story about why my mother divorced him, but, it is lost, I can only suppose about that, and due that I know only the part of the story of my mother, I can’t get to a conclusion. He always told me that how my mother tell the story, is not completely true, and, knowing my mother, he could be right. Is not that my mother lie, but she usually talk from her feelings, and sometimes it makes her to change some things here and there.

In an hour I will finish my night of work, I’ll go home, sleep 4 hours, and come back to work from 15 to 23. After that, most probably I’ll go back home again, sleep, and the Monday start the week again … A continuous week … It’s a lot of time that I haven’t fun. I want to go dancing, to get drunk and dance to some electronic music, or reggae, drum n bass can do it too, anything with rhythm …

Well, thank you for reading. I don’t know if this is interesting, or not, I write it most for myself, like a kind of diary, a מחברת (majberet).

See you around, folks …